Technical Support

Sometimes I'm amazed at the things I do in the name of gainful employment. The following is an actual transcript of a call I took today at my new job. The names have been changed. The caller's real name is Daniel Biederman:

Me: "Thank you for calling Basic Motor Skills Technical Support, my name is Qbryzan, how can I assist you today?"

Caller: "Hi, Qbryzan, my name is Bob, and I'm not able to get to my neighbor's house."

Me: "So you're having trouble walking?"

Bob: "What's 'walking'?"

Me: "Okay, let's start at the beginning. First we have to locate your feet. Do you know where your legs are?"

Bob: "I don't understand"

Me: "No problem. Bob, can you put the phone on speaker?"

Bob: "Hold on....okay I've got you on speaker."

Me: "Great, Now you're going to need to put both hands on your, um, butt"
(Mute) "Hopefully you know it from a hole in the ground." (Mute Off)

Bob: "I can't get to it."

Me: "Are you sitting down, Bob?"

Bob: "Yes"

Me: "I'm going to need you to stand up and grab your butt"

Bob: "okay, I'm there"

Me: "Slide both your hands down until you reach the floor. Now you should be holding your feet."

Bob: "Oh, that's what those are!"

Me: "Okay, stay with me, Bob. Since you want to go outside we're going to need some shoes. Do you have some nearby?"

Bob: "Yeah, should I put them on?"

Me: "Not yet, first you need to put on some socks."

Bob: "I have some, but they're gray, is that going to be a problem?"

Me: "No, they should work just fine. Sit back down and then put your socks, then your shoes on your feet."

Bob: "Okay, I'm putting them on. You think they would've made this simpler. Do you get a lot of calls on this?"

Me: "You have no idea."

Bob: "Alright, shoes on. Should I stand up again?"

Me: "Yep, I'm going to have you stand up and then put one foot forward."

Bob: "Does it matter which one?"

Me: "It shouldn't make a difference, as long as you have enough room. Then you are going to put the other one forward."

Bob: "Hey! I'm getting closer to the door!"

Me: "Great, you should be all set. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

Bob: "I did want to go a little faster, can you tell me how to run?"

Me: "What kind of shoes do you have on, Bob?"

Bob: "Let's see....they say 'Nike'"

Me: "Great, now running is out of our scope of support, but I can give you the number for Nike, and they should be able to help you out."

Bob: "Thanks a lot!"

Me: "You enjoy walking, Bob, and thanks for calling Basic Motor Skills Technical Support."