Open Letter to the Pacifist Army

As some of you may know, I am the Supreme Commander of the Pacifist Army, a group that doesn't fight, except over what to watch on TV Thursdays at 8pm, or who is more interesting: Ben or Jerry, or whose turn it is to take out the garbage. And as an army, we have had unparalleled success in our quest not to fight. So it is with a heavy heart and light head that I have to make some changes in our membership. The current economic climate has hit us hard, and since we are pacifists we are bound by our commitment not to hit back. But there simply isn't enough finger-paint to go around, and some tough leadership decisions had to be made.

The time has come for us to undergo some "Rightsizing", and let's face it; some of you are simply not the right size. One size fits all may work for thong bikinis, but this is an army, dammit, and we can't be caught with incorrectly sized soldiers in our war against war.

We had numerous proposals for cost-cutting measures, including Bob's suggestion for eliminating pants, which was initially well received until it was pointed out that our army does not contain even one supermodel. This problem will hopefully be rectified shortly through our aggressive recruitment of pacifist supermodels who enjoy going pantsless (it is fortunate for our cause that there are so many potential candidates).

If you are among the newly rightsized, please understand this in no way reflects on you personally, other that the fact that you aren't the right size for us. We hate to lose all of you, but we noticed so many companies doing this, and we just hate to feel left out. We hope you can understand, and if the situation improves we may consider having you re-enlist.

Your Supreme Commander,
Qbryzan