Playing God

I have to admit I've been very busy. All this recent talk about stem-cell research and human cloning has me all excited, and so I have added onto my already expansive lab in the hopes of doing some cloning of my own. This should come as no surprise to those of you who know me, but I just can't wait for the opportunity to play god. Or even to be god. Hell, at this point I'll settle for being the guy who gets god his lattes, in the hopes that it is a position that has a chance for advancement. It's all about networking.

Of course, anyone who has seen "Swimming with Sharks" (an excellent film by the way, Kevin Spacey may actually be god...), would probably conclude that the hazing one gets from a studio executive would probably be nothing compared to the daily wrath of the almighty when you bring sweet-and-low and he asked for equal. Still, I'd be more than willing to endure multiple plagues for the chance to advance to a position where I can make the BIG decisions.

I'm sure the position would involve a great deal of screening prayers, weeding out the endless requests for money, beer and sex, and helping the big guy respond to the truly important issues, like saving good TV shows that are bound for cancellation, giving out Grammy awards, and helping sports teams win in a clutch situation (as I understand it, these sorts of things are usually resolved by which team prays harder, as displayed on the prayometer).

In the meantime I will continue to pad my resume with fictitious jobs and experience, since god must be way too busy to check references, and I bet he'd trust me. Maybe I'll even include a prayer or two in the cover letter. "...Our father who art in heaven, how's the weather up there? Just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to interview for the gopher II position (the one involving being a lackey, not a rodent, in case there is any confusion). Please let me know if I can provide any additional information that might assist you in making your decision, although being all-knowing you probably don't need my help. Your will be done. Amen."

And while I wait I have begun my work on cloning myself. If I am successful, I think I will call him "Ubryzan", since I am finding a 'Q' without a 'U' is relatively crippled.

And if any of you have any time on your hands, can you put in a good word for me? I promise to shut down my Global Warming Machine(tm), since my threats have fallen on deaf ears, and I don't think I'll be getting that $10 Billion ransom. Of course, they might start to take me seriously when those ice caps start to melt...

Today's Advice

Finally I have the Science to back up what I have been saying:

Crocodile Immune Systems Kill the HIV Virus!

So, as I have said many, many times before - Screw a crocodile. It's safer.

Open Letter to the Pacifist Army

As some of you may know, I am the Supreme Commander of the Pacifist Army, a group that doesn't fight, except over what to watch on TV Thursdays at 8pm, or who is more interesting: Ben or Jerry, or whose turn it is to take out the garbage. And as an army, we have had unparalleled success in our quest not to fight. So it is with a heavy heart and light head that I have to make some changes in our membership. The current economic climate has hit us hard, and since we are pacifists we are bound by our commitment not to hit back. But there simply isn't enough finger-paint to go around, and some tough leadership decisions had to be made.

The time has come for us to undergo some "Rightsizing", and let's face it; some of you are simply not the right size. One size fits all may work for thong bikinis, but this is an army, dammit, and we can't be caught with incorrectly sized soldiers in our war against war.

We had numerous proposals for cost-cutting measures, including Bob's suggestion for eliminating pants, which was initially well received until it was pointed out that our army does not contain even one supermodel. This problem will hopefully be rectified shortly through our aggressive recruitment of pacifist supermodels who enjoy going pantsless (it is fortunate for our cause that there are so many potential candidates).

If you are among the newly rightsized, please understand this in no way reflects on you personally, other that the fact that you aren't the right size for us. We hate to lose all of you, but we noticed so many companies doing this, and we just hate to feel left out. We hope you can understand, and if the situation improves we may consider having you re-enlist.

Your Supreme Commander,
Qbryzan