The Few, The Proud, The Peaceful

As many of you already know, I am the Supreme Commander of the Pacifist Army, a group that does not fight, except about who was the best Batman, or who has better hair: Penn or Teller, or which toothpaste is tastier. As a group we have been engaged in a long struggle against fighting, and we are looking for those exceptional people who will help us in our noble quest.

However, our recent recruitment goals have not been met. The current political climate has tarnished the good name of "Army", and has mislead many to believe that it represents a group of people who fight. I can assure you, in our case this could not be further from the truth. We have declared a war on fighting, and we will not rest until the whole world rests. As you can see, this quickly becomes a very confusing task, and one that requires a considerable amount of staffing as well as weed. Fortunately, we know a guy, so we've got the second thing covered, but we still need your help!

Finding the right recruits has been a monumental task. Only a select few have either the skills necessary, or the supermodel good looks to become one of us. Just yesterday I spoke with a very talented and eager young man who assured me that if selected he would give 110%. Obviously we couldn't accept him. It isn't possible for one person to give more than 100%, and his needless hyperbole would only invite trouble. Before long we would have to deal with those that declared they could give 112%, and in no time at all we would reach ridiculous numbers, with claims of "infinity-plus-one percent" or "a million bajillion percent". This is a serious business, and I have no patience for those that can't master simple math concepts.

But we refuse to give up, Peace is on the march, and those unprepared may be trampled beneath its caring boots. I have a dream, that one day no one will need to have a dream just to get people to stop hitting each other. But to make this happen I need your help. We need hugs and drugs, just please - no thugs.

Political Reality

There was once a time when television was only good for one thing - making you feel inadequate for being unable to live up to its unattainable standard of perfection. But times sure have changed. Television can now be used to solve many of society's problems. It has found a husband for Trista, a use for Omarosa, and as we speak is being used to help replace deceased members of famous bands. There may not be anything that this magical box cannot do, and it is high time we harnessed this power to fix one of our most broken systems - Politics.

Let's face it, our political process is fairly close to reality tv already. Why are we holding back on taking it all the way? Just imagine all the candidates for president being forced to live in a house, and have their lives taped, so that we could find out what happens when they stop being political and start getting real. We could make them eat rats, and engage in physical competitions in order to win "luxury" items. And once a week they could have their speeches critiqued by Randy, Paula, and Simon:

R - "Dawg, check it out. You did your thing, you talked about creating jobs, and fighting terrorism, and you had some problems with your pitch, but it was just a'ight for me."

P - "You are a bright shining political star, and America loves you. "

S - "That was appalling. You talked about reigning in spending, when your record clearly shows you vote on appropriations like Ryan Seacrest spends on hair care products. Listening to that speech was like being in a Turkish prison. I wouldn't vote for you if you ran unopposed."

"Ok, so if you want to vote for the democrat, call..."

It would be the most expedient way to get all the dirt on the candidates, since reality tv is designed to make everyone look bad. Let's face it, it can't be any worse than our current system, and it would be far more entertaining, even if it eventually leads to two words that should never be said together, "President Trishelle".

Will I ever learn?

It all started like a normal week. I received a call asking me to teach a class on "How to be a good student". It seems there was an entire class that was having difficulty learning, and after a great deal of committee meetings and five martini lunches the board had decided that the only reasonable course of action would be to educate these students about learning.

"How can these students learn, if they've never learned how to learn?", pondered the committee chairperson, and everyone was quick to agree with her, except for Leon. Leon had a habit for describing himself as "a man who mindlessly conforms to the ideas and principles of whatever group is not currently present", and true to form he was doing just that. Leon was the only one who tirelessly insisted that all decisions made by the committee should be unanimous if they were to represent absolutely everyone, and anything less would not be in the best interests of "the children".

But, despite Leon's wishes, they had instituted a policy that allowed all votes to pass with a simple majority of those present, with the chairperson casting the proxy votes for those that had not attended, based upon the notion that she "knew how they would vote if they were here", and oddly enough, anyone absent had a great tendency to vote the same way as she did.

Leon attempted to present the other side of the argument, but was quickly silenced as a motion was made to adjourn, seconded and passed. Over half of the members had not been in attendance, but it was argued that the absent members would vote to adjourn and leave at this point, since if they really wanted to continue the meeting they would have shown up for it. No one was able to argue with this logic, and it forced them to once again table the discussion about the constantly changing meeting times and the unreliable method of notifying members of these changes.

That's when they decided to call me. I had established a reputation as a person who is an expert on absolutely nothing, and who better to teach a class on learning than someone who has so much to learn?

I told them that the most important part of learning is desire; the students have to want to learn. But, as I am merely a novice when it comes to desire, I suggested they first find someone to teach desire, and then when the students wanted to learn they would be ready for my instruction.

They insisted that if I really wanted to teach, my enthusiasm would be so contagious that it would make the students want to learn. But, I told them I don't really want to teach. So they hired a private tutor to teach me desire, since it would be more economical to teach me and then have me teach the class, thus inspiring the students to learn.

We spent many hours, but finally my tutor gave up, insisting that I simply couldn't learn, and that perhaps I would benefit from the learning class that I had been picked to teach. So I signed up, and we should get started any day now, as soon as they can find a teacher

To whom it may concern...

Please stop pointing out that "Reality TV" is not "reality". We all get it, Alanis, the name is ironic. It's just a convenient name for the genre. Soap Operas contain virtually no opera, does that disturb you as well?

I can only speak for myself (and occasionally for the trees, through my part-time job as Lorax), but I get far too much "actual reality" as it is. Most of it is filled with people complaining about TV. It is the last thing I want to experience through my television. Broadcasting it would be like digging an escape tunnel from the Gulag to the Prison.

It's insane to want reality coming out of your TV, and I should know, since I actually own a TV. But contrived situations, whatever you want to call them, make for some great entertainment.

Technical Support

Sometimes I'm amazed at the things I do in the name of gainful employment. The following is an actual transcript of a call I took today at my new job. The names have been changed. The caller's real name is Daniel Biederman:

Me: "Thank you for calling Basic Motor Skills Technical Support, my name is Qbryzan, how can I assist you today?"

Caller: "Hi, Qbryzan, my name is Bob, and I'm not able to get to my neighbor's house."

Me: "So you're having trouble walking?"

Bob: "What's 'walking'?"

Me: "Okay, let's start at the beginning. First we have to locate your feet. Do you know where your legs are?"

Bob: "I don't understand"

Me: "No problem. Bob, can you put the phone on speaker?"

Bob: "Hold on....okay I've got you on speaker."

Me: "Great, Now you're going to need to put both hands on your, um, butt"
(Mute) "Hopefully you know it from a hole in the ground." (Mute Off)

Bob: "I can't get to it."

Me: "Are you sitting down, Bob?"

Bob: "Yes"

Me: "I'm going to need you to stand up and grab your butt"

Bob: "okay, I'm there"

Me: "Slide both your hands down until you reach the floor. Now you should be holding your feet."

Bob: "Oh, that's what those are!"

Me: "Okay, stay with me, Bob. Since you want to go outside we're going to need some shoes. Do you have some nearby?"

Bob: "Yeah, should I put them on?"

Me: "Not yet, first you need to put on some socks."

Bob: "I have some, but they're gray, is that going to be a problem?"

Me: "No, they should work just fine. Sit back down and then put your socks, then your shoes on your feet."

Bob: "Okay, I'm putting them on. You think they would've made this simpler. Do you get a lot of calls on this?"

Me: "You have no idea."

Bob: "Alright, shoes on. Should I stand up again?"

Me: "Yep, I'm going to have you stand up and then put one foot forward."

Bob: "Does it matter which one?"

Me: "It shouldn't make a difference, as long as you have enough room. Then you are going to put the other one forward."

Bob: "Hey! I'm getting closer to the door!"

Me: "Great, you should be all set. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

Bob: "I did want to go a little faster, can you tell me how to run?"

Me: "What kind of shoes do you have on, Bob?"

Bob: "Let's see....they say 'Nike'"

Me: "Great, now running is out of our scope of support, but I can give you the number for Nike, and they should be able to help you out."

Bob: "Thanks a lot!"

Me: "You enjoy walking, Bob, and thanks for calling Basic Motor Skills Technical Support."

Won't someone think of the children?

I’m sure by now you are all well aware of my deep and heartfelt commitment to making this world safe for the children, and I think my record speaks for itself. On more than one occasion I have been known to shout out, “Screw the adults! If they wanted consideration they shouldn’t have gotten older. We need to save the damn children!”, and my support of said damn children goes without saying. I have worked for a long time to make this world a more antiseptic place in which children may never be exposed to anything which might cause them to grow.

And I admire the work of others in this same vein, whether they are censoring gay Teletubbies or combating subtle, imperceptible, and completely indistinguishable bad words in the backgrounds of children’s movies. I even take the time to applaud them now and then, despite the fact that this causes me to remove my hands from this keyboard in order to do so, and then I must spend costly minutes finding my “home” keys again.

But there is a longstanding threat to the welfare of our most valuable resource, and if we don’t address it, we may as well give up on those little people and go back to valuing oil more than kids. Children’s television has an influence on all of us who watch it, and kids are no exception. It is by no small coincidence that the networks refer to this as “programming”.

For quite some time now we have allowed our children to find their role-models on TV, and as much as this may save most of us a great deal of time, it has its negative effects. I refer of course to one such role model, which happens to be a parentless six-year old who lives on the street, and is known to associate with garbage-dwellers. We can’t possibly impart good values on the children when we have this as our competition. I think the time has come for all of us to put down our cocktails and unite to try and stamp out this threat. Don’t we owe the little scamps a better role model than “Big Bird”?

VooDoo Entertainment

There is a war going on in America, but despite what you may have heard this is not a Red State/Blue State conflict, or a Republican/Democrat split. The dividing line in America today is between the people who fear they will see another bare breast on TV, and the people who fear they will not.

Breasts are incredibly motivating, and they would be a fine reason to fight a war, but this conflict is really about something much more serious - the voodoo power of entertainment. Believe it or not, there are people out there who believe that watching Britney Spears causes sexual promiscuity, that playing video games makes you violent, and even that watching MTV will make you stupid. Don't get me wrong, the youth of today is largely composed of stupid, violent sluts, but blaming the entertainment industry is just slightly more insane than blaming the alligators for the lack of snow in Florida.

Our culture is obsessed with serial killers. Every 17 seconds someone writes yet another story about a serial killer. We have movies about serial killers who kill other serial killers, serial killers who kill the people who hunt serial killers, and serial killers who kill the people who write screenplays about serial killers (ok, I made the last one up). If these movies, tv shows, and books actually had the power to cause people to kill the streets would be running red with blood. You'd never be able to get a day off from work, because all the people that could cover for you would be dead. You wouldn't even be able to finish watching a serial killer movie without someone trying to kill you. The positive effect would be a reduction in the number of serial killer movies, but alas these stories don't control behavior any more than ducks control the weather.

Lots of people have listened to the Beatles without feeling the need to slaughter. I consider their music to not only be very entertaining, but completely safe for the entire family, although if there is a danger risk I think we all owe Yoko a great big apology.

Making mistakes is difficult, and taking responsibility is doubly hard. It's easy to blame others, and even easier to blame the forms of entertainment that you don't enjoy. I've got a fairly good argument that "Touched by an angel" causes theft and possibly cancer, but I am keeping it to myself, lest I become one of *them*. Find some entertainment you enjoy, tolerate the stuff you don't, and above all don't blame the evil you cause on Celine Dion, she's responsible for enough pain already.

And so it begins...

Putting together a blog, and posting my thoughts for the entire world to read seems like an incredibly narcissistic process, which was my first clue that this would really be my kind of thing. While I don't really know if this will be read by anyone, except perhaps for the extra-terrestrials who will be investigating the demise of the third planet from the sun, although in all likelihood they will be far more preoccupied with trying to understand the vast oceans of porn that with any luck will survive the coming apocalypse. Whoever you are, human or not, real or imagined, mac or pc, I welcome you to the Thoughts I Had That I Found Necessary To Share (I'm still working out the kinks in the name, but hopefully you get the idea)